Losing A Dear Friend

What a shame that I lost this dear friend without knowing.  It is my fault that we had not stayed in touch.  He called me every evening because he was lonesome.  I had a two year old grand daughter that I was raising and I didn’t have time for those nightly chats.  When I changed my phone number, I failed to tell him.  I kept thinking that I would but time got by me.

Now, I am filled with deep sorrow because I could have taken the time but I didn’t.

Do not do that to the people you love.  You may never get a chance to say goodbye.  I might not have been able to say good-bye no matter as I do not know what happened.

He will not miss me but I sure will miss him.  He and I had been friends since high school.  We have a reunion coming up this month and it will be so sad for me, that he will not be there.

Buck baby, I loved you so much.  You brought a lot of joy into my life with your jokes and kidding.  Thank you for all of the wonderful memories.


The Living Go On Living

When someone we loved dies, what do we do?  There isn’t much we can do.  We can offer comfort to the family or lean a hand any way that we can.  Other than that, all we can do is keep on living.

Death never changes.  Anytime that we lose someone we love, we hurt.  The pain is so bad.  Our hearts hurt.  We cry and cry because our emotions can not conceive the loss.  We have to realize that we will never see or speak to that person again in our entire life.  The main thing to remember when we lose someone to death is what we all should be doing in life.  What we should do each day.  Let the people we love know how much.  Not just by using words.  Words are cheap.  We need to do things to show them.  As the saying goes, we are our actions.  Or maybe that was actions speaks louder than words.

I lost a dear, dear friend last week.  He died in a car wreck.  Looking back, I see how that we always showed each other how much we cared.  He was a young man about my son’s age.  He always came by to visit me after growing up.  He would have a photo of his son or something.  Sometimes, he just needed to talk.  Sometimes, he just wanted to visit.  He was going though a divorce and I just listened.  I could have spoken up to say what I thought.  However, when people are having a hard time in life, it’s hard to listen to what others have to say.  The same thoughts keep spinning inside their brains.  So, the best thing is to just listen.  Let them know that you care enough about them to just be there for them day or night.

Life can be shorter than we plan.  We all plan to grow old and some do.  Others are not so blessed and die young.  My friend was only forty.  He had everything to live for in life.  He had a four-year old son that was the light of his life.  His son will miss the joy of growing up with a wonderful dad.

Just remember that we never know what tomorrow will bring.  Reach out to those you love.  Let them know how much they mean to you.  I am glad that I did.

Determined To Find A Life In 2010

Let me see.  That gives me ten years to find a new life.  One might ask what is wrong with the one I have?  What is not wrong would be a better question.  My son has been a drug user since his high school days.  I had him in and out of drug rehabs until I understood that he only learned about a new drug in there.  Yep, just as soon as he was out, he was on to trying the latest drug that he learned about in rehab.

My front door has revolved with him in and out of it for years.  He would find a way to get inside after I had said no a hundred times.  Mom, I just need a place to stay for a couple of days.  That would turn into a few weeks.  After that length of time, I would be stark raving crazy and would put his things out and change the locks.  The last time he wanted to come live with me, he had a baby daughter with him.  His girl friend wasn’t stable enough to care for her.  He thought he was.  I ended up taking care of the precious baby.  Then one day he came home after being out with her for a weekend and told me that he was using again and needed help.  Help?  Right.  How many times had I heard that?

I called DHR (Children Services) and took the child and sent his butt to the curb.  No.  I will not listen to I need your help any longer.  Long story short, he doesn’t have the child and neither do I.  As long as she was in my care, he came and went around here as he pleased.  I couldn’t take it.  Why?  I don’t like him.  Why should I?  All I have to do to be reminded of my life with him is to raise a photo on any wall in my home to see the hole that he put their with his fist.  Yes, I kept those holes for a reason.  I could have patched them but they serve a better purpose by not being patched.

Now the child is living with her mother’s grandmother.  The mom lives with them.  The good thing  is a grandfather is involved.  He makes her toe the line.  She can go to work but when she is home in his house, she has to take care of the baby.  Good for a strong-minded man.  I visited her last week.  She seemed happy.  We played and danced and sang Barney songs on the porch.  I know in my heart that I will not be allowed to come and go in her life.  That family will not let me.  Oh, did I mention that my son doesn’t know it the child is his?  Hopefully, that will come up in court before too long.

I also had a person scam me into staying with me for a month while he waited on his bank account to be transferred and credit cards to arrive.  Right.  They never arrived.  I kicked him out too.  A shame that he wasn’t a good guy because he was a great cook and loved to help wash the dishes.  Other than that, he was worthless.  Hey, I am just telling it like it is.

So, I am interested in getting my head on straight because it seems to have SUCKER written across it.  I wonder if I could get it off with some good strong detergent or if I will need plastic surgery?  Hey, maybe some of that makeup for people with scars will help until I can figure out what is wrong with me in the shrink’s office.

Happy New year folks.  I am on my way to a better life in two-thousand-ten.  Goodness gracious but that is weird in print.

Meeting New People

In life right when we think that we have given up on mankind, someone refreshing comes along.  They give us hope that all is not lost.  They show us that there are still good folks left that we can surround ourselves with.  Such a thing usually happens when we least expect it to happen.

Earlier, I was feeling so down about a person who wasn’t who they should have been to me as I treat everyone with love and kindness.  I suppose that I think that because I do that everyone should treat me the same way.  Maybe, that is the innocent part in me showing.  Yes, there is still an innocent little girl living inside of me.  I pray that she never goes away.  Even if it means being hurt from time to time.

So, with that said I feel that it is time to move on with my life.  Put the haters in a corner far away from me.  Get on with enjoying the ones who have something wonderful to offer.  Here is to new friends.

Lying. Why?

One of the best liar on earth

I have known people who would lie when the truth would serve them better.  It has always amazed me, when a person lies to me thinking that I believe what they have to say.  One, they are not giving me credit for being an intelligent human being.  Two, they think they are so smart as to be able to deceive me.

I understand that lying has a lot to do with two main  things.  One is the desire to makes oneself look good not only in the eyes of others but to make themselves look good in their own eyes.  It has to do with self esteem.  Most people who lie suffer from low self esteem.  They just can’t bring themselves to allow others to see their faults.  Another thing is that they aren’t willing to see themselves as they really are.

Another reason in my opinion for lying is self preservation.  People can get backed into a corner in a situation and they will lie to protect themselves.  Is any of this a proven thought?  Not really except for the part about self esteem.  That has been written about many times by people who have actually done studies on others.

I just happen to understand these things from experiencing people lying to me.  There is one thing that I totally do not understand.  When we meet a perfect stranger online, why would they lie to us about themselves?  What is the purpose?  We may never meet that person in real life so what is the purpose of leading a person down the wrong path?  How do I know they lied?  I finally met them.  Enough said.

I suppose it goes back to what I said about not approving of themselves.  Oh, let’s make ourselves look good to a perfect stranger.  Let’s pump their head full of untruths and look good.  No, they aren’t making the other person think any better of them.  They are only trying to convince themselves that they are worth while human beings.  Sad really.

I don’t know where I am going with this.  I think that I am just sounding off because I have been lied to by someone who was so good at it.  They didn’t flinch when they lied.  They didn’t even blink.  It was like they had no conscience at all.  I think if I took their pulse when they were lying,  that it would not have changed at all.  Now to me, this is scary.  I hope that I never get to the point in my life that I can lie and it not make me feel like the worst person ever.

The Relationship Between Some Men and Women

As women we get involved with a man and we have a tendency to think that what they say or do is true.  That is really something that we need to work on because men do not have the same way of looking at things as we do.  For instance if a man says that he loves us, we think that he means that he is in love with us.  That is not always the case.  What they really mean is that they love in their way.  We can love people and not be in love with them.

A man is driven by sex and he will be the nice guy that we expect to achieve his goal.  We on the other hand may want sex but we also want a commitment to go with it.  Just because a man says he loves us and then we have sex with them doesn’t mean that he will commit to a relationship.  So many men want to have a good sex life but they are not willing to give up their freedom to have it with just one woman.

Think about this for a moment.  If a woman is willing to have sex without a firm commitment, then why should the man be devoted to just that one woman?  He may see someone else that he finds attractive and if she is willing, he will have sex with her too.  He doesn’t think a thing about it because he is driven by his sex drive.  It is called testosterone.

This is nothing new and we women should know it.  When we were dating as teenagers, our boyfriends wanted to have sex with us and that desire never ever goes away.  Even if a man is not capable of having sex, he still thinks, dreams and plans for a way that he might be able to.

Why do you suppose that there are so many things on the market for men?  There is a pill that they can take to enlarge their penis, and then there is a pump, that a man can use to make himself hard.  It doesn’t do him any good because he is not able to get off using the pump but he can have sex with a woman and that in itself is enough for us to understand, that sex is at the core of every man’s being.

The issue of sex as we get older is just as hard of an issue to deal with as it was when we were virgins.  The problem now is that we want to have a sexual relationship with someone that we truly care for, but we do not want them to be in and out of bed with other women.  How are we to know if they are or aren’t?  We could ask them but they might not tell us the truth.  It is a difficult issue at most.  It is something that needs time to decide.  I suppose what we have to do is see if the man is truly interested in just being with us in the first place before we commit.

How do we do that you may ask?  It is reasonably simple.  We watch his behavior.  If he has too many excuses as to why he can’t make a date, it may be because he isn’t really interested enough to make the effort.  If he doesn’t take the time to call just to hear our voice, then he doesn’t want to hear our voice.  They might say that they didn’t have the time.  I call that crap.

Let me ask you a question.  If he isn’t at work and he isn’t sleeping, he is usually in his car driving to work or home.  What is wrong with his cell phone?  Most men have a cell phone today.  Two minutes is just about enough time for a man to let a woman know that she has been at the center of his thoughts that day.  Two minutes is enough time for most women to be satisfied that he cares.

When you ask him to come to a function and he says that he sort of planned to go to a friend’s home for an occasion but that he is not sure, that is being totally unfair.  He then tells you later and usually at the last moment, that he has decided to go to the friend’s house.  He may be going to a friend’s house or he might have been waiting for another offer from another woman.  Or it could be as simple as he just didn’t want to make the effort to spend the day with you.  So what do you think now?  Do you make an excuse for him and keep seeing him or do you finally find some pride that you have been hiding from yourself and dump him?

When Men Get Sick

I should say when men get anything such as the sniffles,  they are so sad and pitiful.  Bring me a tissue.  Get me that.  Get me this.  Oh my goodness but I wonder how they get though life.

Take a woman who has children and think about what happens when she gets sick.  She is in the kitchen washing the dishes, dinner is cooking on the stove, she has a load of clothes going in the washer, is helping the kids with homework, and a million other things.  Does she get to lie on the sofa and demand that someone take care of her?  If there is a woman out there who does, tell her to call me because I want to meet her.  When did she learn to get that kind of attention?  Who taught her?  Yep, she has skills that I would love to learn.

This last week, I felt terrible with a cold.  I wanted to just crawl in a hole somewhere and rest until I felt better.  Did that happen?  Nope.  I take care of my grand daughter who is two.  That is enough without me getting sick.  Little ones are so demanding of our time.  So, here is the good part.  After I was feeling better, I  had to go for my yearly exam at the doctor’s office.  I asked my grand daughter’s dad to watch her while I was gone.  He doesn’t live with me but since he wasn’t working that day, I thought it would be great.  I came home from the doctor’s office to find food on the table, toys all over they place, a child running around in her diaper and he was sitting in a chair like everything was great.

I had another appointment the next week and asked him to keep her.  Bless his heart, he was having some sneezing and watery eyes from some allergies.  He came over and took his place on the sofa in a prone position.  His dad was on the way to help out and bring him something for his condition.  I could draw this out but allow me to say that he will not be baby sitting for me the next time.  I will hire a woman to do it for me.  Women have this understanding of order.

How Great Our Online Friends Can Be

Online friends can become a part of our extended family. I have been on one site for at least six years now and some of those people are as close to me, as I am to members of my family. We share our thoughts and feelings on what is going on in our lives. We prop each other up when needed. We cheer when someone has something joyous to share. There are some people we even tell what we truly think about what they have posted. These people are our true friends as they take what we say, because they care about our opinions. The nice part is we send cards to each other though the mail when we have birthdays or during the Christmas holidays. It takes time to get to know people but once we invest the time to truly get to know who they are, we become friends indeed. It is so pleasant to me to go online and chat with a friend who might live half the world away. Someone I wish with all my heart that I could meet but know in my heart that I may never see their face. In some cases, we get really close to some people in just a short time. I have found this can be good and bad. It depends on the intention of the other person. I am always sincere with my intentions. However, not everyone is. There have been a few people who broke my heart because I was lead to believe that they had good intentions of getting to know me. I would treat them like a new friend in my regular life. Then when they just disappeared, it hurt. Not saying goodbye is sad. However, with all these thoughts in mind, I would not take anything for my online friends. Some of them are the best. I look forward to meeting many more people who I would never have known if it were not for computers and the internet.

I Am But One Woman

One Woman

Judge me not for I am but one woman
A woman with my own thoughts and feelings
Of  how things should be only for me
My attitude belongs only to me
My love is unconditional for most
It is nice when returned without conditions
Do I expect it from others?
Not really, as not all approve of me
However, I will continue to be true to myself
In whatever I do in this lovely life
My life belongs only to me
I savor each day with relish
Not knowing what will come my way
To brighten the moment
Sweet moments are treasured
As I close my eyes for a moment in thanks
It might not have been so
But I chose to be happy today
I chose to wake with love in my heart.
So judge me not
As I will never judge others
As I have never walked not one step in their shoes.©
written by bjt 4/07/2009


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